I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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