the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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