This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
