Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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