guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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