I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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