No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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