He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
