During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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