She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
