Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
