My balls are so social today.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
