My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
