After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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