my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
