I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
