She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
