his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"