Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
