my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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