My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
