my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
