im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
All I want is dick and wine.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
