We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
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Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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