you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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