Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
