You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
