if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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