we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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