We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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