Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
