Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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