Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize