he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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