I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire