I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.