Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
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Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.