all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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