My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
