How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
