whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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