How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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