I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
