Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
