I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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