somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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