My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
