yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
