i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
