the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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