You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
third nipple confirmed
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
