There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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