Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
