I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
