What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
