I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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