My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
