I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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