it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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