Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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