he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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